i use that word often. to describe a time spent, whether in solitude or with others. to define how sweet & succulent a particular fruit is when bitten into. to characterize a person, in appearance or trait. one would think with my college degree in journalism i would use a better adjective… a real one at that! but i don’t because this particular word is perfect.
i met someone this summer who made me feel loverly. it was only a 4 hour span of time, where we snuck glances at each other between bites of sushi. he touched my face, cupping my cheek like a treasure, giving cause for the roar of blood in my ears as my heartbeat raced — i’m positive he felt the blushing heat under his palm.
it was, for intents & purposes, a fucking good date — a loverly date; he was courteous, attentive and above all else, he made me feel valued. but somehow it fell short. abysmally so. i don’t know what it was lacking because HELLO? it was a loverly evening with a loverly man who made me feel loverly. so wtf?
maybe the word isn’t so perfect after all.
since the first time i wrote Spring and Summer has gone, leaving Autumn at the door. the cold hasn’t gotten all the way thru the skin yet, that will come soon enough. instead, the chilly air lingers over me, clinging to the tiny hairs on my arms, my clothes, even my short stubby eyelashes. normally i hold on tightly to the heat of Summer, wanting to be as close to the sun as humanly possible, burning myself if i have to. but this year, i’m too tired. and i’ve decided to accept the passing . again, it’s the exhaustion that is making me pry my fingers open to let it go.
i find my state of mind still framed by a decade crammed with hurt and mistrust. it’s tiring feeling this way. so i’ve been taking the time to hone a few things, nurture some hobbies and be quiet. i’m not willing to wade out to do anything yet, i’m happy to stand on the rocky sidelines, arms crossed over my chest, seemingly unable to swallow any more regrets.
so i feel like i’m going into the winter of my heart, getting wet, bone cold and shivering. but at least i’m feeling something.
because when i dive back into it all again, i want to be able to sink to the bottom of the blackness and when i surface again for air, i want to be laughing.