Fatigued

since the first time i wrote Spring and Summer has gone, leaving Autumn at the door. the cold hasn’t gotten all the way thru the skin yet, that will come soon enough. instead, the chilly air lingers over me, clinging to the tiny hairs on my arms, my clothes, even my short stubby eyelashes. normally i hold on tightly to the heat of Summer, wanting to be as close to the sun as humanly possible, burning myself if i have to. but this year, i’m too tired. and i’ve decided to accept the passing . again, it’s the exhaustion that is making me pry my fingers open to let it go.

i find my state of mind still framed by a decade crammed with hurt and mistrust. it’s tiring feeling this way. so i’ve been taking the time to hone a few things, nurture some hobbies and be quiet. i’m not willing to wade out to do anything yet, i’m happy to stand on the rocky sidelines, arms crossed over my chest, seemingly unable to swallow any more regrets.

so i feel like i’m going into the winter of my heart, getting wet, bone cold and shivering. but at least i’m feeling something.

because when i dive back into it all again, i want to be able to sink to the bottom of the blackness and when i surface again for air, i want to be laughing.

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3 responses to “Fatigued

  1. Nice. I like the Fail tag. lol.

  2. This, as you know, speaks to me. Beautifully.
    And for the record, I imagine you rising out of the blackness as a phoenix. But one unlike all the others. For this is the phoenix with the beautiful tranquility of a swan, the speed of a cheetah, and the laughter of a hyena.
    Godspeed, sweet, sweet Lan. I’ve missed you.
    -LG

    • LG,
      there is no way you could’ve known but my first name in vietnamese means Phoenix and my roommate says that when i do laugh, from my belly, i sound like a hyena. oh how this comment made me misty eyed. thanks for reading. i have missed you too.

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