Monthly Archives: December 2010

tidings

“Do not be afraid, for behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy which will be to all people. For there is born to you this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord.” Luke 2:10

it’s jesus’ birthday. i hope you’re celebrating exactly the way he would want you to. like rockstars.

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give in to me

remember when i said i am capable of listening to same song over and over again? this is my current repeat.

and after some careful analysis, i’ve determined that i like scruff. and cheesy country music.

i need to get my ass back down to the Dirty South. with a quickness.

acceptance

it’s sad when someone you know becomes someone you knew.” ~henry rollins

i had lunch with an old friend this past weekend. actually, he’s someone i dated very, very briefly, about six years ago. we never got anywhere beyond the simple hug in greeting and goodbye. his fiancee was also in attendance. apparently she’s the jealous type. in fact, so jealous that the house he currently owns and rents out must now go on the market because he had bought it intending to live with another woman, nevermind said woman dumped him a week after he signed the papers, but still, that house must go (also, nevermind how shitty the housing market is right now!). so jealous that his relatively new queen size mattress must be thrown out because he’s “entertained” other women in it before. so jealous that an hour long lunch with an old female friend was too hard for him to explain so she had to come along for the meal.

i went into the meal believing that she didn’t like me. i was prepared to show her that she had nothing to fear from me, that i had accepted his decision to accept her crazy jealousy acts, that i was willing to put myself out there so that she could see me as a non-threat. because that’s what i am. he has chosen her as his mate and with that i understand and support him in whatever is required of him to be the upstanding soon-to-be doomed husband. she has possessive tendencies, ok, i see that, i respect understand accept it. she wants to be present at every social situation he is in with a female, fine, i can handle that & i can be cordial about it.

but i left that meal with the firm belief that unless i made the move, i will never see or hear from him again.

and that makes me incredibly sad.

thrown for a loop

for my birthday this year i received an email from peter, and by extension, my stepmother. that sentence alone isn’t random but in the context of my life, it totally is. because my birthday hasn’t been acknowledged by them in about 10 years. so you can imagine my bleary eyed flabbergasted expression at 7am sunday morning, in bed at the B&B i was staying at, when i opened that email on my crackberry. i rolled over and tried to fall back asleep. but no dice. because that effing email wedged its way into my conscious thought and there was no way i could shut my brain down. and somehow, a possibly well meaning email stalled my groove and i spent the morning last two days mulling over it.

my initial reaction to his simple note, basically hoping that “all my wishes came true” and that i should call them when i wasn’t “busy” and they “missed me” was absolute fury. i don’t have their phone number, they have mine (i’ve had the same effing number for the last 8 years) and the fact that i should be the one to call makes me not want to call. at all. which takes me back to when i was 12. again.

i am 33 years old + 1 day and i still get upset every.single.time. i hear from them.

thirty-three

in recent years, if you’re friends with me, or even just an acquaintance, on your birthday i will invariably say i am so thankful you were born. then i’ll say something crude and we can move on from the emo moment. but, for the most part, i am thankful for births and the opportunity to celebrate them. it is a being, a presence that is noted in this world – in this universe, and should be done so with happiness and welcome. and the reaction i usually get when i say this phrase? i had one friend tell me that it made her cry when she received my note, and that it was the nicest thing she’d ever heard. priceless.

don’t get me wrong, there have been the blackest moments where i have wondered why i was born, wished that i hadn’t been born and i used to silently question challenge peter about my birth. i have grappled with the idea of my being here, of my fundamental purpose in being born, if i was meant to make a difference in Life, in my Life or in someone else’s Life.

today is my 33rd birthday. i have spent 32 years on this Earth, some chunks of time spent feeling lonely, isolated and invisible. but with that comes the equaling weight of having been loved & seen & heard. because you know what, i know i am a Being who is adored, who has loved deeply and supremely, that i have been gifted with people who know me, who want to know me. i have a certainty within me that i possess rare beauty, that my heart, a tattered punching bag most of the time, is a strong muscle, that my Life is an unchartered map, a space that is aching to be discovered and explored. i am sometimes shamed by my self-wallowing when i think of everything i have been given, and things i have achieved, usually forgotten when i’m on a pity bender. i must remember that wanting, desiring, NEEDING are ok, and that i must nurture my heart, that it needs tendering and care. i must stop burning down my Life with so much anger, regret and despair.

and so i start this day with myself, with a gentle and patient heart, filled to the brim with love and appreciation. i want this year, and the next, however many God gives me, years to be a remembrance of this notion.