obedience

i hate being told what to do. i always have. i also have an issue with authority. i was the kid who got detention for talking back or not following directions. i did eventually learn to keep my sass but picked up another bad habit: skipping class. oh, the vice-principal would roll his eyes at me when i’d stroll into his office.

from an early age, i was taught to obey grown ups without question. at home, i had to do whatever was mandated of me and i hated it. i made the mistake once of telling my grandmother to fetch the damn scissors herself and got sent to bed early — missing out on Who’s the Boss?! that showed me, right? but the boiling rage i felt inside, all bottled up, whenever i was told to do something against my will… well that still happens, tho now i just dig my heels in and refuse to do anything.

i used to fight so hard & silently over the shackles of obedience. do you watch/read harry potter? the house elf is supposed to obey its master and when it disobeys, it beats itself as punishment. so a part of me, when i disobey an elder, i feel horrible. but if i were to obey something i don’t agree with, i feel a million times worse. it is an exhausting feeling!

i’ve thought about it, what is it exactly that offends me so much when i am told to do something? i think it boils down to packaging. offer me some advice, speak to me sweetly… i’ll more than likely do it. tell me, yell at me, speak down to me — i’ll ignore you. peter once told me told me that lecturing me as a kid and teenager and even now, is like throwing salt into the ocean… you add all that salt and it makes not a bit of difference to the sea.

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