i am not a touchy feel-y person. i wasn’t raised on hugs & kisses. so imagine my bewilderment when i entered college and i received hugs every.single.time. i saw friends, or even friends of friends! it was normal for my american counterparts to hug & cheek kiss each other. this was a habit that i took to my siblings, i started hugging them more and kissing them whenever i was on break. i even said “i love you” to them often, which they had never heard uttered from their parents.
i consider myself a giving person, i can be effusively warm, but i come off as aloof and standoff-ish sometimes. there is no happy middle for me. i hug my cousins, most of my friends and when i was in spain, i took like a european and did the kiss-kiss on the cheek thing. i high five acquaintances, shake hands with strangers and candidates i interview for work – judging quality of said handshakes very harshly. i’ve also been known to tap asses of close girlfriends. that is the extent of any contact. (hello. i don’t even like my food touching on my plate.)
i’ve entered into the dating pool again. it’s weird. and hilarious. i am awkward. i am unedited most of the time, telling the most random stories, sometimes for shock value but mostly for laughs – at my expense or so i can tell the story of their reactions to my friends.
the point of this post is KISSING. i wanted to first touch on how NOT touchy feel-y i am, and i wanted to then mention that i am dating again. so the two are about to come to a head. and i am flipping my shit over it. i’ve been on 2 dates with Refugee* with a third coming up tomorrow night. obviously, there was no kiss on the first date (it’s a Lan Rule) and on the 2nd date. well. he walked me to my car and rather than linger at the door, i hauled ass to get in the car. i know. i know. it was a pleasant date, i told him funny stories about college, he told me about living in Russia and Zimbabwe (swoon, btw. i heart a man who is well-travelled), we walked around for a bit, despite the ice, slipped a little and during said slip, he accidentally touched my crotch & i made fun of him for it, much to his utter mortification. it would seem like a natural progression to perhaps a good night kiss after our walk, and we’re standing at my car. no. i shot into my vehicle like my life depended on it.
as of right now, sure, i like Refugee*, i am unsure if i am attracted to him BECAUSE WE HAVEN’T KISSED YET. all caps party: BECAUSE I HAVE AN IRRATIONAL FEAR OF FIRST KISSES. there i said it. i don’t have that particular fear listed in my public Biggest Fears list because: it’s ridiculous. it’s not like i have a horrible kissing past to hide or tell. i *think* i’m an ok kisser. i know where things are supposed to go, what parts are supposed to do what. but yet, this first kiss thing. F. R. E. A. K. I. N. G. me out.
with this 3rd date, a Kiss has to go down, right? (haha, that sentence is hilarious. i am so immature.)
Lord help me tomorrow night.
*name has been changed
to protect the innocent to prevent being found out on the web.