do you know that episode of Friends where Monica laments that she will never have Firsts again, now that she & chandler are married? she misses first kisses, first dates etc. Chandler, on the other hand, is glad they’re over because Firsts makes him anxious, they make him nervous and they never go well.
i am chandler bing.
awkward and weird and i say extremely inappropriate things at the most inopportune times. it’s a gift. but in dating, it’s a curse.
thank gawd $5wordGuy can roll with it. and that he likes knee high socks.
we did kiss friday night after dinner, standing outside my building door, the wind effing howling like a mutha and me with my eyes wide open. i take it back, we kinda kissed. at the very last moment, i turned my head ever so slightly to the left and he kissed the side of my mouth. god bless him, he laughed a little and hugged me. then he asked me over for a sunday movie & dinner. i immediately accepted.
and it was the best way for me to spend my favoritest day of the week. with this kind & gentle man, who made me chocolate sorbet and peanut butter pie, who told me with such sweet sweet sincerity that i’m gorgeous, whose stomach ALSO talks (tho he has a scientific name for it) and who held my hand during Up. who made dinner from scratch and is dying to cook alongside me. if you know me and food, you would know that that gets my heart racing. who shows such vulnerability to me and is astutely aware of my lackings but isn’t turned off by it. who turned, mid sentence, towards me and kissed me with such tentative charm (i had my eyes open then too. i know! i’m immature thru & thru.) that i lost my train of thought for a moment.
look. it wasn’t an earth shattering kiss, it didn’t make me weak in the knees. but it sure as hell impressed me that he took the initiative and laid one on me. when he walked me to my car hours later, we kissed again, a little more naturally, a little more easy and i drove away wondering when i would see him again.
i see him again tomorrow. and friday. and i cannot wait.
Some Mad Hope 