that girl

when rtf* and i broke up (on my 29th birthday, thankyouverymuch), i feel like i cried for a year straight. and even after, i felt raw & empty — like how i used to feel after a particularly grueling swim session, when i hadn’t grabbed something for breakfast & my insides felt like they were bleeding. tho i credit my 29th year as a Good year due to the people i met, the hobbies i picked up (hello baking. hello knitting), it was also a time of very critical self-examination. i saw myself as That Girl who had failed at everything she tried — matters of the heart, career, relationships.

what i felt for rtf* was so strong, that when we were apart, i physically ached. i could not bear to be away from him. i planned my weekends around his schedule. i drove one hour each way to see him every friday afternoon and then over an hour every monday morning back, spending the days in between counting the seconds until i was by his side again. the only time i saw any of my friends or family was during the week or if rtf* couldn’t hang out. yeah. i was That Girl.

so when i turned 30 & decided to have another go with Princess* i was determined not to be That Girl again. i fought, with every fiber in me, to maintain separate residences, to spend more time with my friends than with him and damn if i didn’t metaphorically kick him in the crotch every time he moaned about my too-independent streak. seems like i took the not being That Girl to the exact opposite end of the spectrum. there were many reasons for the demise of my relationship with Princess* but i’m sure my stance on who i used to be when i was with rtf* was part of it. Princess* never had a fighting chance.

That Girl image is rearing its head on me again. it’s less than a month since i met $5wordGuy* and i’m smitten with him. i am alarmed with how deep my like for him is. he is amusing, he is strange & quirky, genuine, equal parts shy and spunky. i spent saturday afternoon reading with him. READING. i’ve never dated anyone who read; there saturday afternoon, after walking around a museum & a late lunch, we found ourselves on the couch with our respective books, READING and holding hands. {quiver}

and this freaks me out. i made a conscious decision to not invite him to nuria’s bday dinner tonite, i’ll see him tomorrow & saturday. i still haven’t invited him over to my place yet. and save for his birthday next week, i’m having a girls weekend.

i believe in being a priority in a man’s life, but i had a really hard time reciprocating it with Princess* and i am struggling with how to proceed with $5wordGuy*. i am aware of my tendencies, and then of my tendencies to (re)act on those tendencies.

i’m giving myself a stomach ache just thinking about it.

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2 responses to “that girl

  1. Grey Goose, Dirty

    OMG you sound like me. Stop overthinking things (so easy for me to say, right?) and go with how you feel. I suffer from the same affliction of trying to overcompensate in the other direction for something I’m doing ‘wrong’ with a guy. I usually end up shooting myself in the foot, btw.

    I think things sound like they’re going great for you and $5wordguy 🙂 Pretty cool that you found a good one!

  2. Embrace who you are and go with it. If he’s the right guy for you he’ll embrace you too (I was That Girl once and it took me awhile to figure out that I really wasn’t That Girl, though she still rears her ugly head every once and awhile even though I’m married).

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