Tag Archives: seriously enough with the heavy shit

teary-eyed

i was a Pleaser Kid, going out of my way to please everyone. i think there was a deep-rooted fear of being left behind or abandoned if i misbehaved. this stems from being initially raised by grandparents and a village of aunts & uncles. bio-mom did not abandon me, as i later found out, but this was a story that was fed to me for as long as i could remember. my aunts & uncles were not unkind to me, but i did see the significant difference between how they treated my cousins to how they treated me. they claim that by not leaving me behind, that act of kindness is what should garner them my eternal gratitude. this is the asian vietnamese way of thinking. it surprises me that it surprises them that i do not call on them often, and only when prompted to. actually, it shouldn’t surprise me, their way of thinking is not one i’ve ever agreed with, so why start now.

i’m not a fan of being criticized, who is? there is, however, packaging and when presented with constructive criticism i’m fine. blunt honesty is the only language my family knew and they were vocal about it. for the slightest infraction i’d receive an over the top reprimand and cue the effing water works. i was such a sensitive child. no matter how hard i tried i could never keep those tears at bay. i did grow thicker skin as i got older, and either i outgrew the easy tears phase or i grew hardened by the constant berating.

i spent years not crying. emotional, heartfelt movies did not move me, i understood the sadness but i did not feel it. movies like The Perfect Storm garnered great reviews from me, for it’s action or plot. but i saw it recently and i was inconsolable with grief. same with Titanic! books? sappy ass Nicholas Sparks made me cry during A Walk To Remember and jesus, The Time Traveler’s Wife so moved me, i walked around thinking people were going to disappear and reappear from another time. my 2nd date with $5wordGuy* was to see the Spanish movie Biutiful and it made me weep so hard, i was embarrassed. tv shows like Biggest Loser or Extreme Home Makeover — forget it. i don’t bother watching them anymore. i am usually alone when i watch or read sappy stuff, and if i’m not, i make sarcastic comments or leave the room. i have a reputation! there’s a reason why coworkers come to me for the solid, UNEMOTIONAL practical advice. until i BAWL and my credibility is shot.

i shake my head at how full circle i seem to have come. i can’t say that i’m pleased about it, but then again, i’m not un-pleased.

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august

right now, 3.1miles might as well be a hundred miles. i ran 3.1miles today in 39 minutes. the last time i ran was a week ago. i took the rest of last week off because of a very mild nausea feeling that i could not shake. i nixed coffee from my diet, taking in the wrath of caffeine withdrawals for 4 days, tempering it with small sips gulps of iced tea. $5wordguy’s parents were in town over the weekend, i’m sure that added to my anxiety, as flippant as i tried to be. i have an MIA tenant, who packed up his shit and just fucking left without word (hence, the MIA distinction), which is now resulting in me scrambling to change the locks and ask obnoxious questions to potential tenants. thank gawd for prime real estate in hospital and university territory.

i had a dream last night of waking up to a very loose tooth, the kind that you had when you were 8 and your entire grill was missing already because your adult teeth were coming in. i have a teeth grinding problem which usually is an indication of crazy mad stress. normally i seek the kitchen for solace but this fucking heat is driving me out. i have a few bites of food and i’m ready to vomit. water tastes like shit, i’ve taken to drinking sprite. for once, i’m anxiously waiting for this summer to go away, to somehow take away some of this negative energy.

in the meanwhile, i’ve a race in two weeks, part trail, on hill, in this summer heat. what crack was i smoking to sign up for an august race?

20something & dumb

i tell people that i am enjoying my 30s so much more than i did my 20s. nevermind that i can’t eat anything beyond a certain time of night for fear of the added inches to every part of my body, but that is just PHYSICAL and something that i can work on. emotionally (and financially) i am so much better off. this is what i would tell my 20something dumb self, even tho i probably would not have listened:

move to california. do it for yourself. do it for a change in scenery. do it because you can. but don’t do it for a boy. for the record, it’s ok to move back home after a year out west. so you know for a fact that the left coast life isn’t that grand, it’s ok. it is not, however, ok that you’re moving back home for a boy. it is also not ok that you’re not speaking to your parents, they are who they are and you may disagree vehemently with what they’re saying, but you giving them the silent treatment means that you won’t see your sisters for 3 years.

that’s the biggest crime of all.

don’t be lazy, exercise. running 5K is not that bad and really, it doesn’t take very long.
despite not making much money as you try to figure out if you want to stay in headhunting or work in a bank, save your pennies for travel and not bullshit items like posters and picture frames and FUCKING FLAT SCREEN TVS THAT WILL BE REPLACED 6 MONTHS LATER WHEN THE BIGGER SIZE COMES OUT.
grad school – don’t do it. you may have done pretty ok in the grades department, but school was never been your thing. showing up for class was never your thing. maturity and paying for school yourself doesn’t change that. you want to learn something, read books other than smut & really bad fiction – join a book club instead & talk about the books with like-minded people (and i mean, really talk about the book, damnit), watch quality shows other than the abysmal reality shows that was so prevalent in those years, don’t be so shy and go out & meet people, learn from them.
dump the boy. yes you followed him to San Diego, yes you followed him back east but yes, you also caught him in bed with another woman. and yes, he always left you alone on new year’s eve for you to watch the ball fall in your darkened living room, in your pajamas, hair in a messy bun, and FACE IN BIG BOWL OF ICE CREAM.
speaking of the boy, potential basically means UNDER ACHIEVING LOSER. remember that.
get over yourself. so you graduated on time. yeah you stood up to your parents, moved out & lived on your own while all your other cousins, on both sides, were still at home & living off their mom & dad’s dimes. so what? what of it? those same people that you were so quick to abhor? they have a relationship with their parents.
accept your sisters. they’re not babies anymore. you taught them to stand up for themselves, you encouraged them to speak their mind, so when they do, don’t act all surprised & offended.
on the flip side, don’t take shit from your sisters. just because they’re younger than you and don’t know any better doesn’t mean you should give them free passes on being assholes. you’re not teaching them anything of value by taking their shit.
pay your credit card bills in full every month, if you can’t, don’t buy it. buying your first home will be so much easier, trust me.
don’t be so fixated on getting a ball&chain by 25 that you’ll stay with one guy in the hopes that you’ll change him, that he’ll all of a sudden stop being a douchebag. those types of time constraints are not suited for you, it’s suited for stepmothers who just want to marry you off so your father will focus on her children.
embrace God. He was with you all thru college, during your loneliest time, do not ignore the presence that is always with you, for He will not forsake you. ever.

last, be kind to yourself. no one else will be, especially if they see you treating yourself like ass.

running uphill

it is hump day. it certainly has been an uphill battle this week to reach today.

over the weekend a dinner party i was going to attend was cancelled last minute, because one of the guests suffered a miscarriage. she’s 43 and was 5 months along. oh how i felt for this woman, tho i’d only met her once. i was looking foward to rubbing her belly and feeding her goat cheese cheesecake, while holding $5wordGuy’s* hand.

i received news monday night that an uncle had passed away in Vietnam, from a motorcycle accident. i’d not seen this uncle since i was a child and the last time i had spoken to him was over 10 years ago. see, this particular uncle was not part of the family, having divorced my aunt so many years ago. but i remember him as sweet and kind, taking me out as well when he picked up my cousins minh & huy for their day together. the tragic news came to me so peculiarly. my cousin Pat from Boston called to tell me, his usual boisterous way of talking muted. his father had called to tell him the news, encouraging him to call Minh. but Pat & Minh haven’t spoken on that level in years, so he thought it would be a better idea for me to call Minh. and so i did. and the hour long conversation was stilted with a deluge of tears from both sides, heartfelt memories and oh my goodness, his regrets that he was not able to save his father in time. it breaks my heart that he feels such anguish over something he could not control. without getting into too much details, the gist is hospitals in vietnam are not the best, minh arrived in nha trang days after the accident, was unable to convince the doctors to move him to a better facility in Saigon and his father never regained consciousness.

and a dear, dear blog friend emailed me the most lovely and heartwrenching email yesterday.

i mean, this is REAL LIFE. and i complain about how hard running is. how i’m having a difficult time not swearing and giving up meat. i lament over waking up & it still being dark out. and what shames me the most? i finally heard about bio-mom. she is fine, all are accounted for. for that i am glad but damned if i didn’t immediately think about how she didn’t call me to let me know she was ok after the earthquake.

and you know what? i have no right to think like that. we met ONCE, we are strangers. i don’t know what she is going thru, i don’t know what she continues to go thru in Japan. my cousin Kim put it best: she could be busy helping the survivors of this tragedy, she could be doing what she can to prepare for what is surely going to be a difficult recovery for the country. all i can think about is why didn’t she call me? well, the question is, why would she?? we don’t have a relationship — yet.

i think it’s going to be an uphill battle to try to forge some kind of relationship with this woman, half way across the world, in a country that is reeling from a natural disaster. what a time for me to pick to try to do something, to be something to this woman. but i gotta try.

and then today’s run. it was hard but i completed the 35 minutes – 3 mile run. no complaints. it will hopefully be downhill from here to the weekend.

today’s stats:
3 miles
366 calories

that girl

when rtf* and i broke up (on my 29th birthday, thankyouverymuch), i feel like i cried for a year straight. and even after, i felt raw & empty — like how i used to feel after a particularly grueling swim session, when i hadn’t grabbed something for breakfast & my insides felt like they were bleeding. tho i credit my 29th year as a Good year due to the people i met, the hobbies i picked up (hello baking. hello knitting), it was also a time of very critical self-examination. i saw myself as That Girl who had failed at everything she tried — matters of the heart, career, relationships.

what i felt for rtf* was so strong, that when we were apart, i physically ached. i could not bear to be away from him. i planned my weekends around his schedule. i drove one hour each way to see him every friday afternoon and then over an hour every monday morning back, spending the days in between counting the seconds until i was by his side again. the only time i saw any of my friends or family was during the week or if rtf* couldn’t hang out. yeah. i was That Girl.

so when i turned 30 & decided to have another go with Princess* i was determined not to be That Girl again. i fought, with every fiber in me, to maintain separate residences, to spend more time with my friends than with him and damn if i didn’t metaphorically kick him in the crotch every time he moaned about my too-independent streak. seems like i took the not being That Girl to the exact opposite end of the spectrum. there were many reasons for the demise of my relationship with Princess* but i’m sure my stance on who i used to be when i was with rtf* was part of it. Princess* never had a fighting chance.

That Girl image is rearing its head on me again. it’s less than a month since i met $5wordGuy* and i’m smitten with him. i am alarmed with how deep my like for him is. he is amusing, he is strange & quirky, genuine, equal parts shy and spunky. i spent saturday afternoon reading with him. READING. i’ve never dated anyone who read; there saturday afternoon, after walking around a museum & a late lunch, we found ourselves on the couch with our respective books, READING and holding hands. {quiver}

and this freaks me out. i made a conscious decision to not invite him to nuria’s bday dinner tonite, i’ll see him tomorrow & saturday. i still haven’t invited him over to my place yet. and save for his birthday next week, i’m having a girls weekend.

i believe in being a priority in a man’s life, but i had a really hard time reciprocating it with Princess* and i am struggling with how to proceed with $5wordGuy*. i am aware of my tendencies, and then of my tendencies to (re)act on those tendencies.

i’m giving myself a stomach ache just thinking about it.